How To Break A Relationship Without Cracking It

Life is all about people; we live among them. People are our family, friends, spouses, coworkers, neighbours, children, fellow citizens, members of parliament, authority officials, teachers, students, salespeople, tradespeople, you name it. Every day, we interact with other people. New relationships are born and other established ones break. In every aspect of our life, there's the people element: what would people say if I did this? What would they say if I didn't? I want to do this because it would make my people happy. Or I want to do that to make those people suffer. In our folk culture, there's a saying that goes "heaven without people won't be heaven for anyone." Another saying suggests that people make people; in other words, we are who we are because of other people's influence on us.

I believe that virtually any people relationship can succeed provided that the people involved are ready to listen and show understanding to one another. We are inherently different. However, we should not look at the differences that exist between us as a reason to fight and try to assert ourselves all the time against one another. Differences should be viewed in light of the physics law: dissimilar poles attract. Differences, to my belief, is what can bring us together. We keep our relationships because of what we can get out of them. A relationship in which we take as much as we give is sure to last and succeed. If I am to give something, it must be something that other people want and/or need. Similarly, I won't take someting that I already have. The give and take of a relationship depends on this kind of exchange. On the other hand, I would claim that a relationship that lacks this sort of exchange won't be as strong and healthy as one in which exchange exists.

I totally disagree with the opinion that in order for a relationship to work, the participants must be identical in some way or at least have the same interests. To my belief, the central success factor is mutual understanding and mutual respect. It's when we recognise, acknowledge and ACCEPT the differences that our relationships succeed. I believe in this in marital relations as much as in any other kind of relation.

Let me begin this part of the discussion by highlighting a special point. We can all imagine how difference in one's religion can create a status of discord with other people. However, we could see examples of Muslims who married into Christian or Jewish families, or Christians who married Jews or Jews Christians. If sameness is a must in marriage, those marriages could never be - not to say succeed. The question we may ask is: how could those people forge successful marital relationships despite their different religions and all the differences that this entails? The answer is simple: they could recognise, acknowledge, understand and ACCEPT the differences.

Moreover, how strong and unbreakable a relationship is depends a great deal on how much EACH partner puts into it.

Based on the previous discussion, one might ask: why then do engagements or even marriages break? My prompt answer is: lack of both understanding and acceptance. This lack of understanding stems from the unwillingness of one or both partners to acknowledge and accept the differences.

You might be thinking now that I'm trying to fool you into believing that we must not break any relationship of this kind as we have a recipe for making it work. Probably that's true. Yet, let me add something I should have mentioned earlier, which is how we usually start a marital relation. It's as simple as this: the two partners see and look at one another, feel attracted then decide to continue the journey together. Up to this point, they use only their feelings not their minds. Mind work can start later - some couples just stop their minds and find sufficiency in the pleasurable feelings they experience. The mind would weigh the other person's positive and negative qualities then gives a verdict based on which a final decision is made as to go ahead with the marriage or withdraw. This verdict would be true and right - again - when both parties acknowledge and recognise the differences. Acceptance or refusal will decide the future of the relationship. MUTUAL acceptance would make the relationship succeed no matter how different they are.

Now, what happens in the case of refusal/deciding to break? How can we decide not to marry someone and at the same time maintain a healthy relationship with them? I am raising this discussion because, in our culture, the common case is to break with a fight or at least a great dispute. People don't usually part company on friendly terms. Evreyone must highlight the negative sides of the other. If there weren't considerable ones, there can be room for imagination. I find this unhealthy at all. For this reason, and based on a personal experience and some reading, I could come up with a proposition for ending an engagement on friendly healthy terms. I will not say ending marriage because it's not - and should not be - as easy as ending an engagement.

1. 
   
   Think of why you got into the relation.
   
   
   
   
2. 
   
   Weigh the pros and cons.
   
   
   
   
3. 
   
   Consider why you have come to the decision of breaking. Is it reasonable/considerable?
   
   
4. 
   
   Think of the differences, can you accept them? Why? Why not?
   
   
   
   
5. 
   
   Think of how to say it in a friendly and polite way. Don't be offensive, maybe things would work out again.
   
   
   
   
6. 
   
   Be clear and direct and objective. Don't talk about the cons - you're breaking after all and not discussing to come to an agreement.
   
   
   
   
7. 
   
   Be ready to listen to the other partner - maybe they have something that can make it work.
   
   
   
   
8. 
   
   Don't be angry. It won't help. It's fruitless and destructive.
   
   
   
   
9. 
   
   Wish them good luck - and don't forget yourself.
   
   
   
   
10. 
    
    Remember that marriage is not the only bond that makes people stick together.
    
    
    
    
    

AYR